Okay, 1989. What a fantastic year! Honestly, one of my favorites. Not my smartest year, but no real responsibilities, just hanging out with my friends, etc. However, there was my horrible full time job at Farmer Jack. Ugh...how depressing. Not the kind of bottomless pit I'll be suggesting for my kids. Oh sure, it's glamorous and it paid great (I think I was up over $5/hr. by that point). It funded my fast food addiction, bought my beer, and paid for gas (sometimes). But it's a cesspool of rancid pop/beer cans, leaking garbage bags in the scorching summer heat, thieving and smelly customers pulling every food stamp scam in the book, and will suck the life out of you if you don't have a plan to improve your life. Yeah, I didn't.
So, in the glorious summer of '89, I got rid of my p.o.s. 1982 Ford EXP and got a 1986 Chevy Cavalier (the one with the 6). I loved it. Of course, the EXP set the bar really low. Guess I didn't care for all the times the Cavalier would overheat in the B.K. drivethru and dump antifreeze all over the place. What an awful smell; a bit embarrassing, too. The car had such a cool digital dashboard, too. I remember how sweet that was the first week I had it. Um, then it would flicker and go completely dark after being in the car for 10 minutes. Sometimes it'd be dead for days and I'd just have to guess how fast I was going, how much gas I DIDN'T have, and what emergency messages I wasn't getting. Sometimes a powerful overhand right would wake it back up, but ultimately that led to further problems. Who knew!
Now, where was I? Uh, 1989, Farmer Jack, Cavalier... oh yeah! The store was 3 miles from home and I had my trip timed perfectly. I was supposed to start at 11PM. My boss, George (hearing aid in one ear, giant cheap cigar in mouth at ALL times), was very unforgiving regarding tardiness. I pulled into the parking lot at 10:59PM and continued up to "my" parking space. Bernie and I both had to park by the front door because this F.J. was a freaking hole and was directly across the street from Shacktown (where all the sexy/classy people live). Some d*ck bagger (not d*ckbagger) was screwing around, trying to make me late by moving a row of buggies through my parking space while I was trying to pull in and avoid the beating I was sure to get from Old George. Being the mature, intelligent, and patient elder of the 16 year old bagger annoying me, I thought it a good idea to scare the sh*t out of him by flooring it and drifting into the parking spot. You should have seen it! I looked like Steve McQueen in Bullet! That kid looked like he just filled his diaper as he jetted out of my spot to avoid certain doom and become my hood ornament. Driving with style like this takes a lot of skill and only a seasoned veteran behind the wheel could pull this kind of stunt off. You have to brake firmly and at just the right time. Too soon and you'll look like an amateur. Oh, I neglected to tell you it had been raining earlier that night. Slammed on the brakes at the perfect moment and then, very briefly, the car shot up to around 6500 RPM's as my foot SLIPPED off the brake and SLAMMED on the gas! The car jumped the parking block and went nose first through the plate glass window and into the frozen food section, dumping all the Fruit Rollups and Pop-Tarts that were stacked above the now destroyed counter. EVERYONE in the store ran out and stood around my buckled hood. The bagger I almost ran over didn't even laugh at me. I guess the site was just too much for him. One of the other baggers just stood there and stared. Then, 20 minutes later, he came back up there with his girlfriend...his girlfriend who proceeded to cry when she saw me. Seems odd, right? Oh yeah, forgot to mention I was kind of seeing her on the side. HEY! I'm not PROUD of it! Just glad he's the one that ended up getting stuck with her. LOL!
Well, my F.J. Nascar skillz became legendary in grocery store circles. Was it embarrassing? What do you think.
Silver Lining: The Cavalier got the entire front end repainted and looked like a brand new car after that.
Suprise: I didn't even get a ticket!
...more Farmer Jack mini-posts to come!
So, in the glorious summer of '89, I got rid of my p.o.s. 1982 Ford EXP and got a 1986 Chevy Cavalier (the one with the 6). I loved it. Of course, the EXP set the bar really low. Guess I didn't care for all the times the Cavalier would overheat in the B.K. drivethru and dump antifreeze all over the place. What an awful smell; a bit embarrassing, too. The car had such a cool digital dashboard, too. I remember how sweet that was the first week I had it. Um, then it would flicker and go completely dark after being in the car for 10 minutes. Sometimes it'd be dead for days and I'd just have to guess how fast I was going, how much gas I DIDN'T have, and what emergency messages I wasn't getting. Sometimes a powerful overhand right would wake it back up, but ultimately that led to further problems. Who knew!
Now, where was I? Uh, 1989, Farmer Jack, Cavalier... oh yeah! The store was 3 miles from home and I had my trip timed perfectly. I was supposed to start at 11PM. My boss, George (hearing aid in one ear, giant cheap cigar in mouth at ALL times), was very unforgiving regarding tardiness. I pulled into the parking lot at 10:59PM and continued up to "my" parking space. Bernie and I both had to park by the front door because this F.J. was a freaking hole and was directly across the street from Shacktown (where all the sexy/classy people live). Some d*ck bagger (not d*ckbagger) was screwing around, trying to make me late by moving a row of buggies through my parking space while I was trying to pull in and avoid the beating I was sure to get from Old George. Being the mature, intelligent, and patient elder of the 16 year old bagger annoying me, I thought it a good idea to scare the sh*t out of him by flooring it and drifting into the parking spot. You should have seen it! I looked like Steve McQueen in Bullet! That kid looked like he just filled his diaper as he jetted out of my spot to avoid certain doom and become my hood ornament. Driving with style like this takes a lot of skill and only a seasoned veteran behind the wheel could pull this kind of stunt off. You have to brake firmly and at just the right time. Too soon and you'll look like an amateur. Oh, I neglected to tell you it had been raining earlier that night. Slammed on the brakes at the perfect moment and then, very briefly, the car shot up to around 6500 RPM's as my foot SLIPPED off the brake and SLAMMED on the gas! The car jumped the parking block and went nose first through the plate glass window and into the frozen food section, dumping all the Fruit Rollups and Pop-Tarts that were stacked above the now destroyed counter. EVERYONE in the store ran out and stood around my buckled hood. The bagger I almost ran over didn't even laugh at me. I guess the site was just too much for him. One of the other baggers just stood there and stared. Then, 20 minutes later, he came back up there with his girlfriend...his girlfriend who proceeded to cry when she saw me. Seems odd, right? Oh yeah, forgot to mention I was kind of seeing her on the side. HEY! I'm not PROUD of it! Just glad he's the one that ended up getting stuck with her. LOL!
Well, my F.J. Nascar skillz became legendary in grocery store circles. Was it embarrassing? What do you think.
Silver Lining: The Cavalier got the entire front end repainted and looked like a brand new car after that.
Suprise: I didn't even get a ticket!
...more Farmer Jack mini-posts to come!
3 comments:
Wow, that's a helluva story. Kinda like the time my brother smashed the front and the back of his Honda Civic in the same day.
Did you get fired? I would have caned you if I was your boss...
Oh, and you being a home wrecker was a nice touch. See, I'm not the only one...
LOL! I can see that happening. I can also see your dad making Paul do 1000 pushups every morning at 3AM until he moved out of the house.
Nope. Climbed out of my car, took a look at everything, then went inside and punched in. Unfortunately, I ended up being 5 or so minutes late. George wasn't happy about that. Didn't fire me (or CANE me). Who else was gonna put up all that stock?!
LOL! Not my proudest moment.
That is the funniest thing I have ever heard! And told with such articulation!! Great story...
Kerri
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