October 6, 2006
The kids and I were watching TV upstairs after dinner, relaxing, having a great time. Lauri cooked us a fantastic dinner, cleaned the table, the dishes, swept/mopped the floor, while we all kicked back and relaxed. So, after Lauri's done working her fingers to the bone, she joins us upstairs to finally get a break.
Jake: “Mommy, shouldn’t you be downstairs cleaning the kitchen or something?”
LOL! Lauri's mouth dropped to the floor. I tried my best to reprimand Jacob, but couldn't stop laughing my ass off. Lauri couldn't decide whether to be furious at Jacob, at me, or just laugh along with me. Fortunately for me, it was so funny that the latter happened...
Well, it must have gotten Emmy to thinking because she came downstairs the following morning and climbed onto my lap and asked, “Daddy, why don’t you ever help mommy with all the work?” I struggled and wormed my way around that one but how do you handle your little girl totally calling you out?! Let's just drop this one here...
During dinner that night...
Jake to Lauri: “Invisible Kool-Aid, please! Chop, chop!”
Emily to Lauri: “You heard the man! Chop, chop!”
These two are killing me! They’re going to totally ruin the good thing I’ve got going!
Note: Before I get 10 posts of what a a-hole I am, I did explain to Jake and Em both how hard Mommy works and how to show her respect and that I needed to cleanup more, too. WHICH I do (in phases)...
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Relaxing on the couch...
Lauri’s falling asleep on the couch (which is rare), I’m sitting next to her, and Emmy climbs between us laying her head on Lauri’s leg and her legs thrown across my lap.
Em: "I'm between two parents!"
Me: "Baby, it's time to go upstairs and brush your teeth and get ready for bed. We can lay in bed and watch a few minutes of TV after you’re done and then we'll read your story."
Lauri, with her eyes closed and almost out cold: "BURP!" Too much Sprite for dinner, I guess; she almost never burps!
Em: "CHECKMATE" Gets up and walks upstairs...
Em: "I'm between two parents!"
Me: "Baby, it's time to go upstairs and brush your teeth and get ready for bed. We can lay in bed and watch a few minutes of TV after you’re done and then we'll read your story."
Lauri, with her eyes closed and almost out cold: "BURP!" Too much Sprite for dinner, I guess; she almost never burps!
Em: "CHECKMATE" Gets up and walks upstairs...
Friday, June 20, 2008
Cat Rant
Here's me going off about cats to my buddy, Omar on his blog. Read his "Pet Sitter" post. Freaking hilarious! http://mylifeisacomedyoferrors.blogspot.com/
"I hate cats, man. Who's the a-hole that decided cats were well suited regarding domestication?! They walk around like they're better than you and they look at you like YOU'RE the one that would rather lick every square inch of your own body instead of taking a f***ing bath! And, the worst part...they stare at you like if you come any closer, they'll kick YOUR @$$. Who the hell do they think they are?!"
Oh, and I'd just like to add, if you are a cat owner, I'm assuming you're also a Mac user. And if you're a Mac user, I'm assuming you have a website. And if you have a website, I'm assuming your website is devoted to your evil, stupid cats. News flash: Nobody cares! Anything positive they say about your cat photo albums, website, etc. is just to placate you and get you to stop talking about them! The only people that are sincere are people just like you with their own stuckup cats. You deserve each other.
"I hate cats, man. Who's the a-hole that decided cats were well suited regarding domestication?! They walk around like they're better than you and they look at you like YOU'RE the one that would rather lick every square inch of your own body instead of taking a f***ing bath! And, the worst part...they stare at you like if you come any closer, they'll kick YOUR @$$. Who the hell do they think they are?!"
Oh, and I'd just like to add, if you are a cat owner, I'm assuming you're also a Mac user. And if you're a Mac user, I'm assuming you have a website. And if you have a website, I'm assuming your website is devoted to your evil, stupid cats. News flash: Nobody cares! Anything positive they say about your cat photo albums, website, etc. is just to placate you and get you to stop talking about them! The only people that are sincere are people just like you with their own stuckup cats. You deserve each other.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Oops...
Okay, 1989. What a fantastic year! Honestly, one of my favorites. Not my smartest year, but no real responsibilities, just hanging out with my friends, etc. However, there was my horrible full time job at Farmer Jack. Ugh...how depressing. Not the kind of bottomless pit I'll be suggesting for my kids. Oh sure, it's glamorous and it paid great (I think I was up over $5/hr. by that point). It funded my fast food addiction, bought my beer, and paid for gas (sometimes). But it's a cesspool of rancid pop/beer cans, leaking garbage bags in the scorching summer heat, thieving and smelly customers pulling every food stamp scam in the book, and will suck the life out of you if you don't have a plan to improve your life. Yeah, I didn't.
So, in the glorious summer of '89, I got rid of my p.o.s. 1982 Ford EXP and got a 1986 Chevy Cavalier (the one with the 6). I loved it. Of course, the EXP set the bar really low. Guess I didn't care for all the times the Cavalier would overheat in the B.K. drivethru and dump antifreeze all over the place. What an awful smell; a bit embarrassing, too. The car had such a cool digital dashboard, too. I remember how sweet that was the first week I had it. Um, then it would flicker and go completely dark after being in the car for 10 minutes. Sometimes it'd be dead for days and I'd just have to guess how fast I was going, how much gas I DIDN'T have, and what emergency messages I wasn't getting. Sometimes a powerful overhand right would wake it back up, but ultimately that led to further problems. Who knew!
Now, where was I? Uh, 1989, Farmer Jack, Cavalier... oh yeah! The store was 3 miles from home and I had my trip timed perfectly. I was supposed to start at 11PM. My boss, George (hearing aid in one ear, giant cheap cigar in mouth at ALL times), was very unforgiving regarding tardiness. I pulled into the parking lot at 10:59PM and continued up to "my" parking space. Bernie and I both had to park by the front door because this F.J. was a freaking hole and was directly across the street from Shacktown (where all the sexy/classy people live). Some d*ck bagger (not d*ckbagger) was screwing around, trying to make me late by moving a row of buggies through my parking space while I was trying to pull in and avoid the beating I was sure to get from Old George. Being the mature, intelligent, and patient elder of the 16 year old bagger annoying me, I thought it a good idea to scare the sh*t out of him by flooring it and drifting into the parking spot. You should have seen it! I looked like Steve McQueen in Bullet! That kid looked like he just filled his diaper as he jetted out of my spot to avoid certain doom and become my hood ornament. Driving with style like this takes a lot of skill and only a seasoned veteran behind the wheel could pull this kind of stunt off. You have to brake firmly and at just the right time. Too soon and you'll look like an amateur. Oh, I neglected to tell you it had been raining earlier that night. Slammed on the brakes at the perfect moment and then, very briefly, the car shot up to around 6500 RPM's as my foot SLIPPED off the brake and SLAMMED on the gas! The car jumped the parking block and went nose first through the plate glass window and into the frozen food section, dumping all the Fruit Rollups and Pop-Tarts that were stacked above the now destroyed counter. EVERYONE in the store ran out and stood around my buckled hood. The bagger I almost ran over didn't even laugh at me. I guess the site was just too much for him. One of the other baggers just stood there and stared. Then, 20 minutes later, he came back up there with his girlfriend...his girlfriend who proceeded to cry when she saw me. Seems odd, right? Oh yeah, forgot to mention I was kind of seeing her on the side. HEY! I'm not PROUD of it! Just glad he's the one that ended up getting stuck with her. LOL!
Well, my F.J. Nascar skillz became legendary in grocery store circles. Was it embarrassing? What do you think.
Silver Lining: The Cavalier got the entire front end repainted and looked like a brand new car after that.
Suprise: I didn't even get a ticket!
...more Farmer Jack mini-posts to come!
So, in the glorious summer of '89, I got rid of my p.o.s. 1982 Ford EXP and got a 1986 Chevy Cavalier (the one with the 6). I loved it. Of course, the EXP set the bar really low. Guess I didn't care for all the times the Cavalier would overheat in the B.K. drivethru and dump antifreeze all over the place. What an awful smell; a bit embarrassing, too. The car had such a cool digital dashboard, too. I remember how sweet that was the first week I had it. Um, then it would flicker and go completely dark after being in the car for 10 minutes. Sometimes it'd be dead for days and I'd just have to guess how fast I was going, how much gas I DIDN'T have, and what emergency messages I wasn't getting. Sometimes a powerful overhand right would wake it back up, but ultimately that led to further problems. Who knew!
Now, where was I? Uh, 1989, Farmer Jack, Cavalier... oh yeah! The store was 3 miles from home and I had my trip timed perfectly. I was supposed to start at 11PM. My boss, George (hearing aid in one ear, giant cheap cigar in mouth at ALL times), was very unforgiving regarding tardiness. I pulled into the parking lot at 10:59PM and continued up to "my" parking space. Bernie and I both had to park by the front door because this F.J. was a freaking hole and was directly across the street from Shacktown (where all the sexy/classy people live). Some d*ck bagger (not d*ckbagger) was screwing around, trying to make me late by moving a row of buggies through my parking space while I was trying to pull in and avoid the beating I was sure to get from Old George. Being the mature, intelligent, and patient elder of the 16 year old bagger annoying me, I thought it a good idea to scare the sh*t out of him by flooring it and drifting into the parking spot. You should have seen it! I looked like Steve McQueen in Bullet! That kid looked like he just filled his diaper as he jetted out of my spot to avoid certain doom and become my hood ornament. Driving with style like this takes a lot of skill and only a seasoned veteran behind the wheel could pull this kind of stunt off. You have to brake firmly and at just the right time. Too soon and you'll look like an amateur. Oh, I neglected to tell you it had been raining earlier that night. Slammed on the brakes at the perfect moment and then, very briefly, the car shot up to around 6500 RPM's as my foot SLIPPED off the brake and SLAMMED on the gas! The car jumped the parking block and went nose first through the plate glass window and into the frozen food section, dumping all the Fruit Rollups and Pop-Tarts that were stacked above the now destroyed counter. EVERYONE in the store ran out and stood around my buckled hood. The bagger I almost ran over didn't even laugh at me. I guess the site was just too much for him. One of the other baggers just stood there and stared. Then, 20 minutes later, he came back up there with his girlfriend...his girlfriend who proceeded to cry when she saw me. Seems odd, right? Oh yeah, forgot to mention I was kind of seeing her on the side. HEY! I'm not PROUD of it! Just glad he's the one that ended up getting stuck with her. LOL!
Well, my F.J. Nascar skillz became legendary in grocery store circles. Was it embarrassing? What do you think.
Silver Lining: The Cavalier got the entire front end repainted and looked like a brand new car after that.
Suprise: I didn't even get a ticket!
...more Farmer Jack mini-posts to come!
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