Huh?

Emmy was saying "toilet" over and over again while squishing her face really hard. I told her she can say a different word....that it didn't have to be "toilet" all the time. While continuing to squish her face and without pause, she said, "Core Democratic Values" over and over again. LOL!

Finally combed his hair...

Every night, Jake gets out of the shower, halfway towels off and makes a naked B-line to his room with his hair looking like he rolled a stick of dynamite in it and detonated. When I can catch him in time, I tell him to get back in the bathroom and comb it. Well, last night was no exception, I sent him back in there. The kid comes out of the bathroom looking like he combed his hair with a time machine! LOL! It's parted straight down the middle and slicked partially back like he's getting ready to meet his barbershop quartet for practice! Classic...

Kind words describing Emmy

I came downstairs to Lauri and Emmy sitting at the kitchen table tonight. Lauri was scouring over the Sunday paper looking for coupons and such while Emmy finished up her snack and watched Hanna Montana. She'd been playing on the Spiderman Slip 'n Slide in the backyard for hours and her hair was still damp and tangled. Her green and white bathing suit was soaking through her little sun dress. She just looked so sweet and pretty. I went over to her and kissed and loved on her. Especially lately, she and I have been so incredibly close and she's always climbing up into my lap, jumping up into my arms, she wants me to carry her around the house, etc. I, of course, am loving every minute of it (while it lasts).

So, I just start telling her all wonderful things about her. I told her she's kind and sweet, caring and interesting, beautiful and loving, very smart and hardworking, unique, special, and hilarious. I told her that every person should have an Emmy.

Then, a conversation between Lauri and I about a kid that really smarted off to me a few days ago. Without going into detail, I really put him in his place. Lauri was surprised, but I said I'd do the same thing to any of the kids' friends. And, I'd be much harder on Jacob if he ever talked to me or anyone else like that. I told Emmy that she doesn't even wanna know how much trouble she'd get in if I ever heard her talk like that (knowing she's never do that anyway). Then I told her that I know she'd never do anything like that 'cause she's far too kind to say those mean things.

Here comes the funny part... She's looking at me like she's waiting for something else.

Emmy: "And...?!"
Me: "And what? What do you mean?"
Emmy, waving both her hand in the air, "Come on, MAKE WITH THE WORDS!"

LOL! Apparently, she quickly got used to me saying all those wonderful things about her and was still fiending for more! LOL!

Kind of Gross - Part II

I promise not to make this blog a tribute to Emmy's tooting, but consider this a warning that the topic may present itself from time to time and I find myself coerced to write about it.

Last night in bed (all four of us), watching TV, Lauri wouldn't let Emmy see something or other. Emmy said very calmly and quietly under her breath, "I guess I'll have to force ya..." Turned around towards me, away from Lauri. Yep, that's right. She tooted on her mother. LOL! Couldn't believe it. Lauri scolded her in between the laughing.

Not very lady like at all and hoping this is just a stinky phase, but it's still pretty funny when you're there. :)

Kind of gross...

Emily, Jacob, Lauri, and I are all cuddled up in our bed watching some TV Saturday night. Now, what happened next, around the house we generally refer to as a "toot". Sorry, but I can't use the word "toot" to describe this. THIS was a fart. THIS was the FART of farts. If a fart could be obnoxious and overbearing then I'd attribute these characteristics to it. It was also insanely long and loud. Had a lot of bass. Of course, Lauri yelled at me. Um, wasn't me, though. We usually try not to laugh when this kind of thing happens, but this thing wasn't something you heard every day. We noticed that Emmy was laughing the loudest, though. She just said one thing:

"I guess I'm growing up."

Summer Drive...

So, I'm rolling through Inkster on one of my "scenic" drives home back when I worked for Access Interactive in Wixom. Sometimes, instead of taking 275 all the way down to 94 or Eureka, I'd just hop off on Michigan Ave. and take that to Inkster Rd., Beech Daly, or Telegraph. It was definitely a way to break up the monotony of the hour long drive. Not really the most wholesome area, but that's why it wasn't boring. One day, I saw Inkster undercover cops swarm the outside of a party store just west of Beech Daly on Michigan Ave. It's the one with a giant Adult Videos and Toys sign on the front. LOL! Classy... They lined up the drug dealers on the curb with their hands zip tied behind their backs. It was pretty cool to see that stuff actually. For days leading up to then, I'd see a couple of the guys at various corners, just standing there holding duffel bags in July with coats on. I could see one guy further down the block and another across the street signaling the guy with the bag. Didn't know what he was actually signaling about, but I'm assuming it was in reference to spotting cops or not. Guess their spotters had pink eye that day or something, 'cause they didn't live up to their job and all those a-holes had their faces planted against the curb and and the boots of Inkster's finest on their backs. I don't get to swing by that way very often anymore, but the crime element seems to have dissipated a bit. Did I mentioned they built a HUGE police station within a crackrock throw away? :-)

These kids of mine are gonna get me killed!

October 6, 2006

The kids and I were watching TV upstairs after dinner, relaxing, having a great time. Lauri cooked us a fantastic dinner, cleaned the table, the dishes, swept/mopped the floor, while we all kicked back and relaxed. So, after Lauri's done working her fingers to the bone, she joins us upstairs to finally get a break.

Jake: “Mommy, shouldn’t you be downstairs cleaning the kitchen or something?”

LOL! Lauri's mouth dropped to the floor. I tried my best to reprimand Jacob, but couldn't stop laughing my ass off. Lauri couldn't decide whether to be furious at Jacob, at me, or just laugh along with me. Fortunately for me, it was so funny that the latter happened...

Well, it must have gotten Emmy to thinking because she came downstairs the following morning and climbed onto my lap and asked, “Daddy, why don’t you ever help mommy with all the work?” I struggled and wormed my way around that one but how do you handle your little girl totally calling you out?! Let's just drop this one here...

During dinner that night...
Jake to Lauri: “Invisible Kool-Aid, please! Chop, chop!”
Emily to Lauri: “You heard the man! Chop, chop!”

These two are killing me! They’re going to totally ruin the good thing I’ve got going!

Note: Before I get 10 posts of what a a-hole I am, I did explain to Jake and Em both how hard Mommy works and how to show her respect and that I needed to cleanup more, too. WHICH I do (in phases)...

Relaxing on the couch...

Lauri’s falling asleep on the couch (which is rare), I’m sitting next to her, and Emmy climbs between us laying her head on Lauri’s leg and her legs thrown across my lap.

Em: "I'm between two parents!"
Me: "Baby, it's time to go upstairs and brush your teeth and get ready for bed. We can lay in bed and watch a few minutes of TV after you’re done and then we'll read your story."
Lauri, with her eyes closed and almost out cold: "BURP!" Too much Sprite for dinner, I guess; she almost never burps!
Em: "CHECKMATE" Gets up and walks upstairs...

Cat Rant

Here's me going off about cats to my buddy, Omar on his blog. Read his "Pet Sitter" post. Freaking hilarious! http://mylifeisacomedyoferrors.blogspot.com/

"I hate cats, man. Who's the a-hole that decided cats were well suited regarding domestication?! They walk around like they're better than you and they look at you like YOU'RE the one that would rather lick every square inch of your own body instead of taking a f***ing bath! And, the worst part...they stare at you like if you come any closer, they'll kick YOUR @$$. Who the hell do they think they are?!"

Oh, and I'd just like to add, if you are a cat owner, I'm assuming you're also a Mac user. And if you're a Mac user, I'm assuming you have a website. And if you have a website, I'm assuming your website is devoted to your evil, stupid cats. News flash: Nobody cares! Anything positive they say about your cat photo albums, website, etc. is just to placate you and get you to stop talking about them! The only people that are sincere are people just like you with their own stuckup cats. You deserve each other.

Oops...

Okay, 1989. What a fantastic year! Honestly, one of my favorites. Not my smartest year, but no real responsibilities, just hanging out with my friends, etc. However, there was my horrible full time job at Farmer Jack. Ugh...how depressing. Not the kind of bottomless pit I'll be suggesting for my kids. Oh sure, it's glamorous and it paid great (I think I was up over $5/hr. by that point). It funded my fast food addiction, bought my beer, and paid for gas (sometimes). But it's a cesspool of rancid pop/beer cans, leaking garbage bags in the scorching summer heat, thieving and smelly customers pulling every food stamp scam in the book, and will suck the life out of you if you don't have a plan to improve your life. Yeah, I didn't.

So, in the glorious summer of '89, I got rid of my p.o.s. 1982 Ford EXP and got a 1986 Chevy Cavalier (the one with the 6). I loved it. Of course, the EXP set the bar really low. Guess I didn't care for all the times the Cavalier would overheat in the B.K. drivethru and dump antifreeze all over the place. What an awful smell; a bit embarrassing, too. The car had such a cool digital dashboard, too. I remember how sweet that was the first week I had it. Um, then it would flicker and go completely dark after being in the car for 10 minutes. Sometimes it'd be dead for days and I'd just have to guess how fast I was going, how much gas I DIDN'T have, and what emergency messages I wasn't getting. Sometimes a powerful overhand right would wake it back up, but ultimately that led to further problems. Who knew!

Now, where was I? Uh, 1989, Farmer Jack, Cavalier... oh yeah! The store was 3 miles from home and I had my trip timed perfectly. I was supposed to start at 11PM. My boss, George (hearing aid in one ear, giant cheap cigar in mouth at ALL times), was very unforgiving regarding tardiness. I pulled into the parking lot at 10:59PM and continued up to "my" parking space. Bernie and I both had to park by the front door because this F.J. was a freaking hole and was directly across the street from Shacktown (where all the sexy/classy people live). Some d*ck bagger (not d*ckbagger) was screwing around, trying to make me late by moving a row of buggies through my parking space while I was trying to pull in and avoid the beating I was sure to get from Old George. Being the mature, intelligent, and patient elder of the 16 year old bagger annoying me, I thought it a good idea to scare the sh*t out of him by flooring it and drifting into the parking spot. You should have seen it! I looked like Steve McQueen in Bullet! That kid looked like he just filled his diaper as he jetted out of my spot to avoid certain doom and become my hood ornament. Driving with style like this takes a lot of skill and only a seasoned veteran behind the wheel could pull this kind of stunt off. You have to brake firmly and at just the right time. Too soon and you'll look like an amateur. Oh, I neglected to tell you it had been raining earlier that night. Slammed on the brakes at the perfect moment and then, very briefly, the car shot up to around 6500 RPM's as my foot SLIPPED off the brake and SLAMMED on the gas! The car jumped the parking block and went nose first through the plate glass window and into the frozen food section, dumping all the Fruit Rollups and Pop-Tarts that were stacked above the now destroyed counter. EVERYONE in the store ran out and stood around my buckled hood. The bagger I almost ran over didn't even laugh at me. I guess the site was just too much for him. One of the other baggers just stood there and stared. Then, 20 minutes later, he came back up there with his girlfriend...his girlfriend who proceeded to cry when she saw me. Seems odd, right? Oh yeah, forgot to mention I was kind of seeing her on the side. HEY! I'm not PROUD of it! Just glad he's the one that ended up getting stuck with her. LOL!

Well, my F.J. Nascar skillz became legendary in grocery store circles. Was it embarrassing? What do you think.

Silver Lining: The Cavalier got the entire front end repainted and looked like a brand new car after that.

Suprise: I didn't even get a ticket!

...more Farmer Jack mini-posts to come!